Snippets
Dear Reader,
Snippets taken from my journal.
November 23rd 2023
Listening to Clare de lune and reading Valley of Shadows by Rudy Ruiz. Might be one of the best of human pleasures I’ve experienced. I am learning it on the piano immediately. Valley of Shadows is really beautiful. I am touched by this image I just read: “Solitario wipes a tear and as it lands green calla lilies sprout form the ground.”
April 3rd, 2024
Maybe I can try to imagine my tears this way, instead of ripping themselves from me in a torrent from my eyelids they are fulfilling some greater purpose by being shed. Allowing things to shift and grow. I wish I had more words to envision what this would be like.
Each time a tear looses itself into the earth it kisses as it touches and nurtures. Saplings grow from fallen teardrops.
My brain still itches at itself
November 24th, 2023
Pouring hot water over a tea bag was just a majestic experience — the water baptizing the herbs. Looked like mud — hot, a bubble rising with water + mud.
The way some people can see things so solidly in their mind. I see things in words, in quilted images. I don’t know lines and numbers and physical spaces. My little world is like a dark room with a little light on the bare floor.
No, my little world is sunshine and love and books and birds singing. Magic and peace. Free.
December 11th, 2023 (1:30am)
hey.
[drawing of squiggles and an infinity sign that looks like bug eyes]
If I could fashion my glasses into infinity goggles and see the world for what it was
I would sob of relief
And cry at its sadness.
I am in the basement — do you ever get sickened — actually queasy by the fragility of your skin? My hands and all the goo inside is making me nauseous
I am on the plane. I was listening to the Smiths in the Charlotte airport — looking at this gigantic deer installation made of lights like a skeleton and I felt like I was in a Christmas movie — a scene where the character is all alone, looking at all the human life around them and feeling somewhere else, tethered to it by an itty bitty loose transparent string. In essence I was dissociating. But not in a sad way, in a ‘I’m glad to experience the full spectrum of human emotions’ way. So I made a new playlist called “Dissociating in the airport.” I’m drinking apple juice. I feel like a little kid again.
I can only be who I am, whoever that is. Who I am is not how I feel or how I look or what people like or find appealing about me. It is something quintessential, an essence of me — so hard for me to grasp. Life isn’t some pageant where everyone is scoring your behavior on a little card — 1st, 5th, dock a point there.
Dec 12th, 2023
Felicity just said “I’m just lost.” And it occurred to me how I don’t feel lost. And once I felt so lost, so so lost. I’m glad I don’t feel that way anymore.
April 3rd, 2024
I feel lost now.
Dec 14th, 2023
During the day, I think of a million things — music, its shape and form and deviations from genre. My friends, their lives, memories, funny things about them. History, what I know, things I learned, eras, patterns, connections — Come on! I have been living my life like it’s not apart of me. I am this world. I am just energy, the world is just energy.
Just finished reading Babylon Revisited, Fitzgerald . I was captivated reading it maybe because it seemed something ominous was bound to happen. Well it also felt real, like a snapshot of time in 1929 — palpably. Not so climactic but divulging as the story went on.
December 24th, 2023
Just feel a bit weary of being in my head. I am at peace with the fact that I have work to do, peace to find, habits to undo. I free myself one step at a time, I climb and mold as I go — like spewing through slick mud — like fudge. So rich, so sweet, saccharine and cloying at times, blanket eyes and purpose-bound all resounding…
Writing in artificial light. I like the song playing — the ending was suspenseful and
Now this one is melancholy. My thoughts flew away as if an animal caught —